i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
