omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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