No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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