I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
