What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think people are normalizing furries
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
