You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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