she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hippo gnu deer
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
