he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We're too hungover to prance.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
