I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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