I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
