So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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