Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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