i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
