Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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