I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
