Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him