We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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