Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
