Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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