i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
