I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
