tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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