I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
