someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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