I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
