Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
