and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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