Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
