its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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