Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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