I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
