i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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