My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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