I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
