i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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