seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
