What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
