So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
