Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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