so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
