I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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