i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
