I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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