rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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