They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
