i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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