I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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