I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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