You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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