I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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