I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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