My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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