shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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