why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
