dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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