I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
