but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
